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24 August 2009
21 July 2009
How to turn your garage door into a work of art !
I saw these in the Daily Mail and just loved them! These utterly realistic images are printed on plastic sheets which are stuck on garage doors - the latest craze for home owners who want to not so much keep up with, as totally freak out, the Joneses.
There are loads of motifs available, from the Formula One racing cars, private jets, speedboats and the kind of equipment that any fledgling rock band would be proud to have left lying around in the garage. Even a Blackbird spyplane!
The weather and fire-resistant prints are designed to disguise that boring, flaky, greying metalwork. Held in place by industrial strength Velcro, they are easy to change and virtually indestructible.
The fashion started in Germany and is now being taken up by humorous garage owners over here. At £145, it's certainly quite a lot cheaper than a real sports car, jet fighter, or whatever.
And for the more imaginative customer, creator Thomas Sassenbach (www.styleyourgarage.com) will customise any image on request. Now, has anyone seen the pet crocodile today?
There are loads of motifs available, from the Formula One racing cars, private jets, speedboats and the kind of equipment that any fledgling rock band would be proud to have left lying around in the garage. Even a Blackbird spyplane!
The weather and fire-resistant prints are designed to disguise that boring, flaky, greying metalwork. Held in place by industrial strength Velcro, they are easy to change and virtually indestructible.
The fashion started in Germany and is now being taken up by humorous garage owners over here. At £145, it's certainly quite a lot cheaper than a real sports car, jet fighter, or whatever.
And for the more imaginative customer, creator Thomas Sassenbach (www.styleyourgarage.com) will customise any image on request. Now, has anyone seen the pet crocodile today?
Swine Flu Jokes. The Definitive List
First we had, Aids, followed by SARS and foot & mouth. We then had bird flu and now Swine Flu... it's like Pokemon - I got to catch 'em all.
I called the Swine Flu hotline today but I couldn't get through... all I got was crackling!
---
How do you know if you have Swine Flu? You keep coming out in rashers!
---
Doctor, Doctor. I think I have Swine Flu! Don't worry, just rub in this oinkment.
---
Oinkment won't work for Mexican Swine Flu. You need Juantibiotics!
---
Doctor, Doctor. I've just eaten a bacon sandwich, am I going to die? Depends if the bacon was cured or not.
---
Doctor, Doctor. My daughter woke up this morning in pigtails. Should I be worried?
---
A woman runs out of petrol and phones her husband "I've run out of petrol but I daren't go to fill up because of this Swine Flu". The husband says "you daft hayputh, it's in Mexico, not Texaco!"
---
Sweating, excessive body odour and laziness. No wonder it went unnoticed for so long in Mexico.
---
I won a holiday to Mexico, but I can't go and I'm pig sick about it.
---
Feeling bored on the bus/train/underground? Take out your mobile phone and pretend to have a conversation with an imaginary caller all about your recent holiday in Mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze...
---
News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the a-pork-alypse!
---
This little piggy went to market
This little piggy stayed at home
this little piggy had roast beef
This little piggy had none
and this little piggy went "cough, sneeze" and the whole world's media went mad over the imminent destruction of the human race, and every journalist found out that they didn't have to do too much work if they just did "Find 'bird', replace with 'swine'" on all their saved articles from a year ago, er, all the way home.
---
THE World Health Organisation has confirmed that a Swine Flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.
---
Swine Flu is caused by exposure to Gammon Rays.
---
How did the 2 timing Mexican get into heaven? The swine flew!
---
I'm worried I might have caught Swine Flu. I haven't been to Mexico but I've been with some pigs in my time!
---
The reason Mexicans took so long to notice people with symptoms including "sweating, excessive body odour and laziness" was because they are so used to Yanks visiting their country.
---
Apparently over 6 billion emails have been sent out in the last week about Swine Flu. Duh! Didn't you know spam comes from pigs.
---
A lion, a bear and a pig are in the pub, showing off.
The lion claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the plains shake."
The bear claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the forests shake."
The pig replied, "Nah, I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I cough and the whole world wets itself..."
---
Watch out for the following:
• Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.
• Unusual behaviour: doing things you would normally find a complete boar.
• Bad temper: things start to very easily rind you up.
• Overheating: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.
• Chills; Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.
• Wanting a fight: Shouting out things like “Gammon have a go if you think you’re hard enough…”
If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for trewatment. Smokers please note it is a non smoking facility, so you won’t be able to have a snout.
Of course all of this could be a false alarm, in which case you will return home shamefaced with your curly tail between your legs, but if the symptoms return, try going to your local pharmacy for some oinkment.
---
So it appears Swine Flu has replaced the fears about bird flu. I guess bird flu just never took off...
---
FIFA has banned Mexican Waves to prevent the spread of infection.
---
After watching Arsenal's performance last night surely Mexican striker Carlos Vela should have played. I mean, who's gonna mark him?
---
With Swine Flu spreading fast, I bet Kermit the Frog is panicking.
---
This Swine Flu is bad, i must have had it for about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!
---
Apparently, the BBC reports that the symptoms of Swine Flu are intense sweating, incoherent speech, pungent body odour and fatigue. I always knew there was something odd about Gordon Brown...
---
Anyone else awaiting the first Policeman to be diagnosed with Swine Flu?
---
You've got to hand it to the Mexicans. Even Osama Bin Laden didn't scare this many Americans.
---
Mad Cow Disease: Named after my wife. Swine Flu: Named after her mother.
---
Swine Flu is like Susan Boyle. It hasn't really done much, but anyone with an internet connection has heard of it.
---
Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.
---
Funny how 90 people get the Swine Flu and everyone wears face masks, but millions get Aids and no-one wears condoms.
---
Half price on return flights to Mexico, Its not like you're coming back is it?
---
The pigs are giving people the 'flu. As if arresting you on jumped up charges isn't bad enough...
---
I just heard on the news that, "Swine flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in England". Well it’s a good thing I’m married then isn’t it.
---
Apparently the first symptom of Swine Flu is that you get the trotts.
---
All of this makes me feel like America will view the term "Pigging Out" very differently from now on.
---
El Paso Fah.....Fahhhhh.........Faaaajita!
---
Swine flu has been reported in Israel. Oh the irony!
---
If only pigs didn't know how to build brick houses, the common wolf would have eradicated any chance of Swine flu years ago.
---
I never thought I'd be personally affected by the two dreaded words "pig" and "flu". Now my entire home has been decimated by it ... Police helicopter just crashed into the roof!
---
Swine flu. Mexico's revenge for the Alamo!
---
Looks like I'm going to have to cancel my salsa lessons.
---
If pig flu and bird flu meet up, what are we in for then? Flying pig flu?
---
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have Swine Flu
And now so do you
---
As paranoia hits Britain about contracting Swine Flu the Government issues the warning of the importance of hand washing, cleaning and general hygiene. Shocking that the first two cases in the UK are in Scotland!
I called the Swine Flu hotline today but I couldn't get through... all I got was crackling!
---
How do you know if you have Swine Flu? You keep coming out in rashers!
---
Doctor, Doctor. I think I have Swine Flu! Don't worry, just rub in this oinkment.
---
Oinkment won't work for Mexican Swine Flu. You need Juantibiotics!
---
Doctor, Doctor. I've just eaten a bacon sandwich, am I going to die? Depends if the bacon was cured or not.
---
Doctor, Doctor. My daughter woke up this morning in pigtails. Should I be worried?
---
A woman runs out of petrol and phones her husband "I've run out of petrol but I daren't go to fill up because of this Swine Flu". The husband says "you daft hayputh, it's in Mexico, not Texaco!"
---
Sweating, excessive body odour and laziness. No wonder it went unnoticed for so long in Mexico.
---
I won a holiday to Mexico, but I can't go and I'm pig sick about it.
---
Feeling bored on the bus/train/underground? Take out your mobile phone and pretend to have a conversation with an imaginary caller all about your recent holiday in Mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze...
---
News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the a-pork-alypse!
---
This little piggy went to market
This little piggy stayed at home
this little piggy had roast beef
This little piggy had none
and this little piggy went "cough, sneeze" and the whole world's media went mad over the imminent destruction of the human race, and every journalist found out that they didn't have to do too much work if they just did "Find 'bird', replace with 'swine'" on all their saved articles from a year ago, er, all the way home.
---
THE World Health Organisation has confirmed that a Swine Flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.
---
Swine Flu is caused by exposure to Gammon Rays.
---
How did the 2 timing Mexican get into heaven? The swine flew!
---
I'm worried I might have caught Swine Flu. I haven't been to Mexico but I've been with some pigs in my time!
---
The reason Mexicans took so long to notice people with symptoms including "sweating, excessive body odour and laziness" was because they are so used to Yanks visiting their country.
---
Apparently over 6 billion emails have been sent out in the last week about Swine Flu. Duh! Didn't you know spam comes from pigs.
---
A lion, a bear and a pig are in the pub, showing off.
The lion claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the plains shake."
The bear claims, "I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I roar and the forests shake."
The pig replied, "Nah, I'm the mightiest creature on the planet, I cough and the whole world wets itself..."
---
Watch out for the following:
• Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.
• Unusual behaviour: doing things you would normally find a complete boar.
• Bad temper: things start to very easily rind you up.
• Overheating: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.
• Chills; Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.
• Wanting a fight: Shouting out things like “Gammon have a go if you think you’re hard enough…”
If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for trewatment. Smokers please note it is a non smoking facility, so you won’t be able to have a snout.
Of course all of this could be a false alarm, in which case you will return home shamefaced with your curly tail between your legs, but if the symptoms return, try going to your local pharmacy for some oinkment.
---
So it appears Swine Flu has replaced the fears about bird flu. I guess bird flu just never took off...
---
FIFA has banned Mexican Waves to prevent the spread of infection.
---
After watching Arsenal's performance last night surely Mexican striker Carlos Vela should have played. I mean, who's gonna mark him?
---
With Swine Flu spreading fast, I bet Kermit the Frog is panicking.
---
This Swine Flu is bad, i must have had it for about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!
---
Apparently, the BBC reports that the symptoms of Swine Flu are intense sweating, incoherent speech, pungent body odour and fatigue. I always knew there was something odd about Gordon Brown...
---
Anyone else awaiting the first Policeman to be diagnosed with Swine Flu?
---
You've got to hand it to the Mexicans. Even Osama Bin Laden didn't scare this many Americans.
---
Mad Cow Disease: Named after my wife. Swine Flu: Named after her mother.
---
Swine Flu is like Susan Boyle. It hasn't really done much, but anyone with an internet connection has heard of it.
---
Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.
---
Funny how 90 people get the Swine Flu and everyone wears face masks, but millions get Aids and no-one wears condoms.
---
Half price on return flights to Mexico, Its not like you're coming back is it?
---
The pigs are giving people the 'flu. As if arresting you on jumped up charges isn't bad enough...
---
I just heard on the news that, "Swine flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in England". Well it’s a good thing I’m married then isn’t it.
---
Apparently the first symptom of Swine Flu is that you get the trotts.
---
All of this makes me feel like America will view the term "Pigging Out" very differently from now on.
---
El Paso Fah.....Fahhhhh.........Faaaajita!
---
Swine flu has been reported in Israel. Oh the irony!
---
If only pigs didn't know how to build brick houses, the common wolf would have eradicated any chance of Swine flu years ago.
---
I never thought I'd be personally affected by the two dreaded words "pig" and "flu". Now my entire home has been decimated by it ... Police helicopter just crashed into the roof!
---
Swine flu. Mexico's revenge for the Alamo!
---
Looks like I'm going to have to cancel my salsa lessons.
---
If pig flu and bird flu meet up, what are we in for then? Flying pig flu?
---
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have Swine Flu
And now so do you
---
As paranoia hits Britain about contracting Swine Flu the Government issues the warning of the importance of hand washing, cleaning and general hygiene. Shocking that the first two cases in the UK are in Scotland!
5 April 2009
More from the Pavement Picasso: Julian Beever
Julian Beever is an English, Belgium-based chalk artist who has been creating trompe-l'œil chalk drawings on pavement surfaces since the mid-1990s. His works are created using a projection called anamorphosis, and create the illusion of three dimensions when viewed from the correct angle.
Beever works as a freelance artist and creates murals for companies. He has worked in the UK, Belgium, France, The Netherlands, Germany, Austria, Denmark, Spain, the U.S., Australia, Mexico, Brazil and Argentina.
This video is a compilation of some of his latest work, visit his official website at http://users.skynet.be/J.Beever/ to see more of his fantastic work.
1 April 2009
Disorder in the American Courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed > on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed > on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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